Sunday, April 28, 2013

I Was Wrong

Remember not too long ago when the seven pounds of mouse doody fell on me?  And remember how I claimed that little event was the most disgusting thing that's ever happened to me while working on the house?

Well, I was wrong.  But I'm not about to say something stupid like, "This--this right here--this is the grossest thing ever to happen to me."  No way.  Because the way I see it, Karma is a mean little witch with a wicked sense of humor, so if I make that claim then she'll try to top it, and I still have a little bit of demo work to do elsewhere in the house where something horrible could be hiding.

Anyhow, there I was standing on the ladder all geared up (respirator, safety goggles, lucky hat, and the rest) once again, pulling out the old Rock Wool insulation batts.  Removing them was pretty easy--just grab an end, pull, and roll up as you go.  A dusty and dirty job, but not really disgusting.

Until....(cue ominous soundtrack music here)...until I pulled out a big chunk of insulation and found something odd.  It looked like a shoe stuck down in the rock wool.  "That's weird," I said to Louis Cat (who, as always, is serving as my foreman on this job) "What the hell would a shoe be doing in the ceiling?"  I grabbed the "shoe" with one hand and pulled the insulation away from it.  Then I saw a tooth.

(Note:  The following comment is slightly edited.)
"Oh, Cheeses!  Oh, Cheeses and Rice!  It's a fudgin' skull!"

And then I dry-heaved.  For five minutes.

And then I went back into the bedroom to see what it really was and whether or not I'd have to call the cops or an exorcist.

Here is where you should probably stop reading if you have a weak stomach.  You certainly shouldn't look at the next couple of photos if you tend at all towards queasiness or if you don't have a slightly sick sense of humor.

The thing wasn't a shoe.  It wasn't a skull, either.  Well, part of it included a skull, but--oh, Hell's Bells, I'll just show it to you already:

Urrp.  (Sorry.)  A dried-up dead rat.  The ruler is there so you know how big it is and for proof that it's a rat, not a mouse.  Although, really, I'm not sure what difference that makes--either way, it's still a dead rodent that was in my ceiling.  We won't discuss how it may have gotten into my house, or how long it lived in there, or the possibility that based on the rate of decomposition it might not have been all that long ago that it was alive and in my ceiling.  Urrp.  (Sorry again.)  My friend Rachel exclaimed when she saw this photo, "It's Mrs. Kelly's pet buck-tooth Chihuahua!"  Currently, I'm accepting this utterance as the gospel truth, because finding a petrified Chihuahua, even a buck-tooth one, in my ceiling is way better than finding a petrified rat.

And then I sorta lost my mind a little bit (more) and decided that if Tilda Swinton sleeping in a plastic box is art, then I could create a modern art installation right here in my own home.  So:

I call this piece "Just Hangin' Out Doin' Hood Rat Stuff With My Friends" or "Heyyyyy, Macarena!"

I probably shouldn't give up my real job.


  1. I feel your pain lol. I had a similar "this is the most disgusting thing that has... and will... ever happen to me. Although, I'm fairly certain that I won't be back-tracking on that statement...

    Our house had an inline fan in our attic that drew the heat from a vent above the wood stove in the living room and blew it out 2 ceiling vents in the bedrooms. The ceiling vent in our room was directly over my pillow.

    One night I woke up with the feeling of something crawling all over me. I layed there a few seconds to make sure it wasn't a dream. Nope... not a dream. I quickly sat up in bed which woke my wife up (pitch dark) and she asks what's wrong. As I reached for the light, I said "I don't know... something is crawling on me". Turned the light on and... maggots. Yes... MAGGOTS. On me. The blankets. On my pillow. Under my pillow.

    I. Freaked. Out.

    Seems a rat got into our attic and died right next to the ceiling vent and the maggots found their way through a small gap between the vent and drywall.

    We slept in the living room until I patched that vent opening shut. For good.

    1. Oh my stars! Now THAT is truly disgusting! I would have to move out of that house. Forever. That story makes me shudder. I really, really hope that you're right and nothing even close to that ever happens to you again.

    2. Oh trust me, if we weren't in the middle of remodeling and adding on to the house we would have moved right then and there. But it's good to know I got my "grossest moment of my life" out of the way. lol

      The part we could never figure out was that there was NO smell whatsoever inside the room.

      So hey Jayne... things coulda been worse! :)

    3. Things can always be worse...Gee, I can hardly wait to see what happens next. LOL!

  2. ROTFLMAO. Well, at least now we know where all the doody came from.

    1. Yup, we sure do. It must've lived up there for quite a while to produce all that doody, you think?

    2. what's the chance that it was a party from long long ago... or is there a travel space up from the scary basement?

    3. I'm hoping it was long LONG ago indeed. I had kinda forgotten about the rat in the scary basement until someone else reminded me. Now I'm in horror that my house is totally rat-infested. In the attic, in the walls....ewwwwww.

  3. need more cats!
    I hope you know I'm not sleeping tonight!

    1. What I need is cats with ceiling-penetrating vision! :)

    2. Where o where is Ceiling Cat when you need him??

    3. YES! I need Ceiling Cat! He haz rat-killing skillz.

  4. Aye dios mio!!!!
    You are one brave woman to actually go back into that attic after the first time.
    That was a huge skull!! You need to throw some of those green balls they sell at the hardware store into the attic. I would of died right there.
    every time I have to go into my attic I have that in the back of my head. now I will be thinking of you.

  5. After I found that thing, I still had a little part of the insulation to take out and I really, REALLY did not want to go back in there.