Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Dear SPOs

Dear Sucky Previous Owners,

I'm not sure I believe in Hell, but if there is one, then I am sure there's a special place there for y'all.  I don't know for sure who committed what sin against this house, so I'm lumping you all together in this post.  All of you, every last one of you, deserves beachfront property at the Lake of Fire.  And when you get to Hell, I hope the house you have to live in has three layers of wall-to-wall carpet that's stapled and glued to hardwood floors and I sincerely hope that Satan makes you tear it all out by hand with only a dull box cutter and a pair of broken pliers to help you.  I hope you get real warm while you're tearing out that carpet and try to open a window, only to find that every stinkin' window in the house has been painted shut.  May your house in Hell have a cute lil side porch that you can't get to from the parlor because some fool sheet-rocked over the door and put in a closet--a closet so shallow that the hangers are crooked in it, with cheap sliding doors that run off the tracks all the time.  I hope one of the times that you're wrangling with the closet doors that you look up in the top of the closet and see a tiny patch of beautiful wallpaper (which may or may not be original to your 1887 house) with a grayish-tan background and lilies of the valley on it and that you realize that paper's been obliterated under several layers of paint. 

That's what I hope, because then you'll know how I felt yesterday when it took me almost two hours to tear out the last bit of nasty carpet (a swath slightly less than 4 ft. wide and about 11 ft. long) from the second parlor and its stupid, useless closet. 

One last thing:  I hope you try to roast marshmallows over the flames from the Lake of Fire and that just when they reach ooey-gooey perfection and you're about to plop 'em onto your graham cracker and piece of chocolate, the marshmallow drops off the stick and falls into the fire.  I hope that happens over and over and over and you never get to eat that 'smore.  Cause that would be Hell, as far as I'm concerned.

Your pal,


  1. You must be having a little trouble there at the Kelly House? :( Honestly, so sorry for the frustrations and so much work. Seems unfair! Over time thankfully, it will all come together. I wish you the very best.

  2. Can you rip out that closet and make a door to the porch again?

    The first circle of Hell I'd reserve for the subsequent owners of the house I grew up in, which I got to see a year or two ago when it was up for sale. They'd ripped out the beautiful woodwork including window frames in one of the two apartments (it's a double decker), and put in fake paneling. Also glued the paneling over the old plaster, making the latter unrepairable.

    It's a shame about that wallpaper, it sounds lovely.

  3. LOL. Okay then. Let's not forget the doors they cut in half. Don't they get a special prize for that?

  4. Just reading about someone pulling up old carpet makes my allergies kick into high gear.

    My favorite PO sin is to use 7 large spikes when 2 appropriate size nails would work. I swear our PO loved his nails because if something needed 1 nail, well then 5 large nails would work better. Unfortunately, everything he used nails on in this house is now loose but a pain in the ass to tear apart because of all the nails. Oh...and of course at least 1 blew through the side and missed it's mark only to be visible for eternity by leaving a large hole once it was removed.

    BTW sounds like your shoulder is feeling better.

  5. I'm guessing that was cathartic to write! (It was certainly fun to read!)

  6. OMIGOSH! Sorry but i had to laugh. I frequently find myself cussing the POs, too. I also find myself cussing at the CURRENT owner for doing stupid sh*t like wallpapering over wallpaper not once, but TWICE, something i'm now paying a hefty price for.

    Hang in there. The end result is almost always way more than worth it!