Thursday, April 21, 2011

Out of Options

Kind of a lot has happened since my last post....

I called the realtor and told him I wouldn't be listing my house anytime in the near future.  He didn't seem surprised.

Then, I told AJ I wouldn't be selling my house.  Probably I should've told him first.  It didn't go well.

And then, I told White Trash Bob.  He was delighted.

And after that, I took a look at the terms of my mortgage.  My heart sank.  My mortgage prohibits using my home as rental property, or as a business, or as anything other than a primary residence.  In the words of Astro from The Jetsons (and my friend Ryan) "Ruh-roh". 

So I heaved a big sigh, put on my big-girl pants, and went to AJ with three offers:  "Let's sell your house and live in mine."  Absolutely not.  (Which I expected, since it's already been discussed.)  "Okay, then let's rent out your house and live in mine."  Nope.  "Well then, how 'bout we sell both the houses and buy one that neither of us has ever lived in?"  Flat no to that one, too.  Oh.  Hmmm.  Well then.

And with that, it seems I am out of options.  It's back to The House or The Guy. 


  1. The guy doesn't sound so perfect if he's not willing to compromise at all. Obviously I know next to nothing about your relationship, but his insistence on living in his house regardless of your feelings seems like a big red flag.

  2. I'm with Lise on this one :(

    If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

    If there is no financial reason to sell immediately, don't sell. If you do sell, keep the money in your own account if you can.

    After all, even though it is a fabulous house, it is a *house* - what you need to hold on to, more than the Kelly House, is the security and independence it represents.

  3. Can the terms of the mortgage be adjusted? It's worth a talk with the bank, I think.

    I am a little surprised he turned down even selling both houses. Not that I want to see you sell your house, but why are you the one who's supposed to sell your house and not him?

  4. I thought the third option was very reasonable. And yet he said no to that. Any reason why or just flat out no?

    You are not ready to let go of something you have put so much heart and soul into. That is nothing to be ashamed of. What is he willing to give up to make this work? Maybe after a year of marriage or living together you will know what will work for you. Could you keep the Kelly House empty for that long?

  5. Well, they way I see it, nothing needs to happen tomorrow does it? I mean there's no big rush that selling your place has to happen on any particular day, right? I say wait and see what happens and take your time getting it ready.

  6. Oh, Jaynie, my heart aches at your dilemma.

    Yes, you should have discussed your decision with AJ first. Damn, but isn't it the easiest thing for us long-time single people to go on thinking as lone individuals even when we've committed ourselves to pulling in tandem. (At least, I can see myself inadvertently doing the same if I'm ever in your position). It's not surprising what you did, but maybe some of his stubbornness is soreness over not being consulted.

    That said, I'll be pulling for his love to be big enough to understand what the Kelly House means to you. And speaking practically, that he'll see your side of it over the financial problem involved. I mean, why should you take a hit in this economy? Doesn't he want you to come into this marriage in a position of strength?

    As for the mortgage issue, any chance you can get a refi with another company and get rid of that no renting clause?

  7. Bummer. Don't know what to think about the no compromise thing. But usually people that are in a new relationship are pretty flexible when it comes to compromise.

    I know that you cannot under any circumstance co mingle your money if you do sell the Kelly House. Once that money is mixed into the household it is half his. That means do not put into a joint account.

    I know someone that did this. Lost half of her $$$ and gained half of his debts.

    I, too, did not marry until my 30's. I had a house and two cars and investments. Lawyer said a pre nup was necessary. Hubby said "no problem". A pre nup protects him too. If he is a no go on this I think it sends a red flag.

    Please do not go forward without a pre nup protecting you. If he loves you...he should understand. If not.....well, I would go slow.


  8. Before you contact the bank, I suggest you talk with a real estate lawyer. They should be able to give you a consultation for a reasonable fee. I live in another state so I can't advise you, but those clauses are standard in almost any loan when you purchase it as owner occupied and people move out and rent their houses all the time. A real estate lawyer can guide you on what the practical implications are. Another option would be to refinance into an investment loan, but those terms are not as favorable as owner occupied loans.

  9. Thanks, ladies. I have a lot to think about....

    Jan & Anonymous, the day after I saw Lawyer John at the gas station, I started considering the wisdom of a pre-nup and called his office...not knowing that John was probably already gone from this world. I won't marry AJ without a pre-nup. In addition to the issue of the house, I have a darn good retirement account from the fire department to protect.

  10. I am not all caught up on all your news, but it seems that you are doing all the compromise here. If I were you I would not agree to sell unless:

    He puts your name on the deed to his house as joint owner. Especially if you are losing out with a sale in this economy...why should you end up the one with no profit and no interest in a house?


    If you make money on the sale, that money is kept in your name, for you to reinvest as you see fit.

    Hopefully you will be happily married forever, but even those of us who thought we'd never divorce, sometimes have it happen. I'm going through it myself after a very long marriage. Maybe you can talk to the mortgage company and have things changed so that you can rent it out and keep it...that way, if you decide to sell, you can do it when the market recovers.

  11. Keep your house. If things go bad, you'll have a place to go back to.
    Two years ago, I had my own house. I became pregnant by a guy I thought was great.
    We had to merge homes because of his custody obligations to a child he adopted from his previous marriage. And the town he and his child lived in was an hour away from my house. He sold his condo, and bought a house in his town....with the thought that I would just sell my place and move to his town, permanently. As I went further along in my pregnancy, and knew I was expected to sell my house, I got more and more upset. I ended up keeping it, and after trying to live in his house, in his town, I was miserable. I didn't like the town, I missed my family [back in my town], and I was just sad being away from my house.
    When I told him I at least wanted to spend the weeks he didn't have his child with us back at my house, he got very upset. And said he would have never bought that house if it would only be lived in part time. It was a very rough period for us. He's now in the process of putting that house on the market [his child has decided not to go back and forth between the parents anymore and wants to be with the mom fulltime]. I hate living with knowing I'll have to split living households indefinitely. He's looking at getting an apartment in a different city, closer to work, so there is no easy solution. Keep your house though. I'm so glad I kept mine. It was there for me when I needed it and kept me out of trouble. And I get such joy out of finishing projects and SEEING progress over time. :)

    If a guy can't see how much you love the house and how much it means to you, what else will he overlook?