Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Liberty Ultimatum

I caught the three cats sitting together in the kitchen.  Understand that the three of them are together, as a general rule, only when food is involved.  This must be a very important meeting of the minds.  I tiptoed around the corner where they couldn't see me and listened in.

Marie:  Thank you both for meeting with me on such short notice.  As you are aware, we have a dire situation that must be contained, and immediately.

Christopher:  Situation?  What situation?

Louis:  She means the dog that Momma brought home.

Marie:  I have repeatedly advised you, Louis, that the human is not our "momma", as you call her.  She is in fact our staff and should be treated as such.

Louis:  But she loves us.  She calls us her fur babies and buys us furry mice and treats and fake milk.

Marie:  She is merely doing that which is required of her.  Now, to the business at hand—that dog the staff calls Liberty.  We have wasted enough time already, so I shall state my position plainly:  Liberty must be eliminated.

Christopher:  Hunh?  What does that mean?

Marie:  Desperate times call for desperate measures, my simple-minded friend.  We cats rule this house.  Our hold over the heart and mind of our staff must not be diluted by the continued presence of this interloper.

Christopher:  I still don't get it.  Use little words, Marie.

Louis:  She wants to kill the dog, Chrissie!

Christopher:  Oh...that's so mean.  Momma would not like that at all, not one little bit.  She would be sad.

Louis:  Yeah, can't we all just get along?

Marie:  No!  Compromise is not an option!  We will not bow, we shall not break!  Are we cats, or are we mice?!

Christopher:  Well, I'm not really sure on that last part....

Louis:  I think Liberty is nice.  For a dog, I mean.  We should give her a chance.  Maybe we could all get together, the four of us, and share ideas on how to get along.  Momma could mediate.  I vote that we try aggressive diplomacy first, Marie.  We should really work on building peace among us and violence should be our last resort.

Marie:  Who are you, Jimmy Freakin' Carter?!

Louis:  Hey, I like him.  And I'm just sayin'...

Marie:  Liberty is the Devil!  The Devil Herself is right in this house!

Louis:  Okay, Hugo Chavez.  Whatever.

Christopher:  Liberty's kibble tastes really yummy.

Marie:  Fools!  Imbeciles!  I get nowhere with the two of you.  I must take matters into my own paws!

To Be Continued


  1. LOL!

    For what it's worth, in my three-cats-one-dog household, the two younger felines love the dog better than they do me. My older cat (who could be your Marie) has resigned herself to the situation and even condescends to sleep (and shed) on the loveseat along with the mutt. But only for the warmth, you understand. She doesn't actually like him, oh, no!

  2. "Jimmy Freakin Carter!" - OMG that is so funny! You are so freakin' good at this!

  3. OMG, I just peed my pants. And scared Ethel half to death with my howling laughter.

  4. Almost spittin' soda. CONGRATS on the new fur baby! And for the record, Marie and Toby (prior to pharma and neutering) have a LOT in common. :-)