Now, however, I find I must add an important addendum to my previous instructions:
If, like me, you have a trap door in the middle of said painted floor
be sure you don't paint the freakin' thing shut.
Oh yes, I did.
But if, like me, you do have a trap door in the middle of a painted floor and you, like me, do in fact paint it shut to the point that you are completely unable to open the trap door by attaching the hook to the ring in the door and then cranking it open with a boat winch, rest assured that it takes only five or six minutes with a putty knife and a hammer to cut through the paint.
After which you can then crank the door open and notify your only child via text that you are descending into the Scary Rat Basement.
Me: I'm going down into the basement now. I'll text you when I come back up. If you don't hear from me, please come over and check on me.
Dylan: You can't take your phone with you?
Me: Yes, but what if the door slams shut and I am trapped down there?
Dylan: How would you get trapped? It's not like the door locks when it shuts.
Me: I don't think I could push the door open enough to get out if it slammed shut.
Dylan: I don't think you are so frail that you need to be checked on every time you go down a few stairs. If you are, then I'm putting you into a home.
Me: And also, what if I fall down the stairs and I am knocked unconscious?
Dylan: And what if an alien space ship came down and abducted you??
Me: That's exactly the kind of shit I'm talkin' about.