Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Verdict

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we will show that the defendants willfully, carelessly and without regard for the historic character of their home did deliberately place thousands and thousands of cedar shake shingles on the exterior of that home, thereby destroying its appeal as a Folk Victorian and causing it to be known around town as 'the ugly little brown house' for some three decades....."

If I ran the world, that would be part of the opening argument of the trial for the sucky previous owners who did this to my house. The bags of shingles would be carted in and stacked around the courtroom as evidence, the jurors would take a field trip to the scene of the crime and stand in my yard weeping at the senselessness of it, there'd be a dramatic courtroom moment where the prosecution would nail one shingle to the wall with 15 nails. The defendants would take the stand and try to garner sympathy by saying they just didn't know any better. Their attorney would have entered a plea of not guilty by reason of mental defect. But the jury wouldn't buy it. They'd deliberate for ten minutes or so before returning a verdict of guilty.

And the punishment? Having to yank those shingles off my house with their bare hands in the heat of a Missouri summer. With no bug spray to protect them. On the sunny side of the house. With only warm water from the garden hose to drink.

If I ran the world.....


  1. Jayne, you're cracking me up. The warm hose water - nice touch! That's torture, indeed.

  2. What a just world that would be.

  3. ROTFL! Too funny! I wish you ran the world too. Then my PO would have to come strip this creepy wallpaper border.

  4. Yeah! THAT would be justice.

    And the people who poured the porch slab at This D*mn House would have to do it right ... instead of pouring a sidewalk to hide their lazy mistakes!

  5. I think that there should be a law that says if you make a major interior or exterior change to your house, you should have to file papers stating WHY you chose to do what you did. That way when future owners undo your modification that don't have to keep uttering "Why in the hell did they do this?"